happy new year.

As another year will shortly be a memory, myheartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you whohave taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feelsafe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about ratcrap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to goget a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for thesame reason. Because of your concern, I no longerdrink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since thepeople who make these products are atheists who won'tput "Under God" on their cans.I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave becauseit causes cancer.I no longer check the coin return on pay phonesbecause I could be pricked with a needle infectedwith AIDS.I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants eventhough I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.I no longer go to shopping malls because someonemight drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer receive packages from, nor send packagesby UPS, or Fed Ex, since they are actually Al Qaedain disguise.I no longer answer the phone, because someone willask me to dial a number for which I will get a phonebill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, andUzbekistan.I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" areactually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes orfeathers.I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will changeonce I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from NeimanMarcus, since I now have their recipe.I no longer worry about my soul, because at lastcount I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answersmy prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of myfriends and make a wish within five minutes.I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to asick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the1,387,258th time)I no longer have any money at all - but that willchange once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft andAOL are sending me for participating in their specialemail program.Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out forme that I will now return the favor!If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrheawill land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) thisafternoon. I know this will occur because it actuallyhappened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor'sex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin'sbeautician.Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!